The Squeaky Wheel
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?
That’s why we tend to NOT give our relationship much attention until it DEMANDS it from us.
How squeaky does YOUR relationship wheel have to get before you to DO SOMETHING?
Designed for Delight?
Now what would it be like to put an END to WAITING for problems to surface, THEN dissecting the drama, chasing your tail, arguing over who is MORE to blame…
What if instead you got to design what your ideal and most delightful relationship might look like and then spend your energy and attention on moving TOWARDS that?
Don’t WAIT for problems to move away from. CREATE a vision you’re inspired to move towards!
DISSECT the DRAMA or DESIGN for DELIGHT
Under the Rug
Most couples just WAIT for issues to arise and then MAYBE deal with them.
They THINK it’s easier to sweep the conflicts under the rug and they TRY to move on, but if that’s you, watch out because pretty soon you’ve got a lump in the rug from all the crap you swept under it and now somebody is going to trip and get HURT!
NOT sweeping things under the rug is a HUGE start.
But many couples swing from ignoring conflict and tension to over analyzing and getting stuck focusing on the “problems.” Often instead of ignoring the red flags, they get totally swept up in them, causing and escalating conflict.
A Shared Relationship Vision (SRV)
What if instead, you had a CLEAR map and even a Shared Vision Statement (SRV) for your ideal relationship?
What would it look like if THAT was what you GAVE your attention to rather than an argument DEMANDING it! The SRV is my FAVORITE relationship exercise, yet the other day it hit me…
I’ve only shared the exercise with my private coaching clients in our 17 week program (and a few close friends) and since I work with only max of only 6-10 couples a year and that program costs thousands of dollars, I realized that’s WAY too small a group to share this WAY awesome exercise with.
Too Good to Not Give Away
A Map, Mantra & Major Shift
The SRV is a powerful exercise that can create a MAP, a MANTRA, and a MAJOR SHIFT in your relationship.
So I’m sharing this exercise here as we need more couples to STOP letting their lives be dragged around by their relationship conflicts and START creating a vision for how they want it to be that draws out their intention, attention and action in a new way.
Raj and I went so far as to condense our own SRV into a short empowering statement (a mantra) that we could memorize and then say to each other daily.
We do this most mornings over breakfast and feel into what is the GAP between what we DECLARED our relationship was about and going to be like and what we are ACTUALLY experiencing and causing in that moment.
“I love my marriage and my husband/wife. We’re playful, peaceful, passionate. We’re hot for each other and express it daily. We generate with intention, we communicate with care. We seek to understand, spot and meet each other’s needs and delights. We care for our bodies, we contribute to the world, we’re on top of what is to be done and are abundant with our finances, time, energy and love.”
A Relationship Vision to Live Into
Use It Or Lose It
Now behavior changes over TIME. Aha moments, deep insights and even tips and strategies can be helpful, but ONLY if they are used as a regular practice over time. Use it or lose it!
Use your SRV to guide your repeat behaviors and pretty soon you will notice New Normals that leave you feeling like your instincts were right, your relationship IS in fact awesome and that it WAS not only WORTH doing the “work” (play really!) to name who you want to be as a couple and how you want to behave and treat each other.
Keep Your Eyes on the Prize, Vision = Victory
Live with a clear vision of what you want, THEN look at the “problems” ONLY in relationship as to how they might get in the way of what you really want.
Your focus is NOT on the problem itself. Keep your eyes on the PRIZE, not the problems.
The problem is not the problem. The problem is thinking the problem is the problem. The “problem” is actually the PATH.
Having a clear vision you engage with regularly almost guarantees victory.
Winging it, avoiding issues or being satisfied with your relationship being “fine” virtually guarantees failure.
Creating, and then keeping the FORWARD FOCUS picture vivid in your mind and heart can be a game changer.
Keeping it on the fridge is a great idea too! I even had Raj and my SRV engraved into a brass “credit card” so we can be card carrying members!
Solo? So What?!
If you’re single (or your beloved is not yet as inspired or active as you), then do this exercise on your own ANYWAY. 1. You’ll get clear on what YOU want and where YOU want to grow in the realm of relationship and 2. You might inspire them to join you.
As marriage researcher John Gottman says, “Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves more or first.”
Enough of the dissecting dramas! Let’s start designing for delight!
Let’s play peace!
Your Partners in a P3 Relationship,
Gaby & Raj