Intimacy or Irritation?

If you want a successful relationship, it takes INTENTION, ATTENTION and ACTION. Awesome intimacy doesn’t happen by default.

The default in a relationship for most couples is to let layers of let downs build up until there’s a Relationship Residue so thick, intimacy turns to irritation and eventually irreconcilable differences.

One of the best tools for setting and reaching relationship goals has been the 4 Cs Cycle.

Fits Your Favorite Format

The 4 Cs Cycle is not one-size-fits-all tool. It can be modified to fit your favorite format for a forward focus. It’s a model that invites you to experiment with what works for YOU and your relationship, while providing a basic framework that works, IF you work it!

If you want your relationship (and in turn your life), to stay on track and not jump the rails, then lean in and create your own Personalized Systems for Success using the 4Cs.

4Cs for Upleveling Your Love Life

At the top level, the 4 Cs reminds us to first CREATE a goal, then to check in with and COMPARE our goal to our progress, then get COMPLETE with how well we are or are not doing and finally to CONSIDER what we can learn from how it went and how that might inform our future relationship goals.

This is a cycle for up-leveling your love life in a reliable and consistent way. The only way to not win the Game is to not play.

Most people don’t give their relationship much attention until it DEMANDS it of them. Often at the worst time possible.

Yet if you push past the problem focus addiction, release the reaction reflex and instead get pro-active and pursue what’s REALLY important to you, there’s gold in those mines!

Push past the problem focus addiction, release the reaction reflex and instead get pro-active and pursue what’s REALLY important to you!

CREATE – Make Declarations

To get to the gold in your relationship you first have to CREATE a goal.  Just pick something you’re committed to being intentional and taking action. Make declarations to yourself and to your beloved. Write them down, schedule them, post them so their visible. Or go the extra mile and share it with a wider group for more public accountability).

COMPARE – Track Your Progress and Adjust

Once you’ve made a declaration, then you have to check in and see how close were you to closing the gap between what you SAID you were committed to and what you ACTUALLY did.




COMPLETE – Put the Past in the Past

If you did great, well done! If not, no problem, let’s try again. No matter how it went, don’t get STUCK in the past.

Sometimes when we do well one week, we might rest on our laurels the next, thinking we can coast on the previous week’s success. And sometimes when we do poorly, we get frustrated or discouraged and ditch the goals entirely. Neither behavior is healthy or helpful for getting what you want.

Instead, put the past in the past. No matter how the week went, it was LAST week. Tomorrow is a new day. And you can create new behaviors at any time.

Declare the results COMPLETE and turn your sights on how to do even better next time.



CONSIDER – Evaluate and Adjust

Before you jump into creating your next set of declared actions, take a moment to reflect and CONSIDER what you learned from how it went.

“Experience is expensive, just be sure you get what you paid for.”

Do a post-game analysis of your actions in the last week. What went well? What could be better next time? How might you stack the cards in your favor?

Could you break the actions into smaller chunks? Is there someone who might be able to provide support?

Evaluate what happened and make adjustments for the lessons learned.  CONSIDER how the week went, then capture one key thing to improve on in the coming week. Be specific!

Putting It Into Action

Awesome intimacy doesn’t happen on its’ own. Irritation sure does though.

Don’t let the default drain you until you’re DONE. And don’t be satisfied with an aha-moment insight. INVEST in your love life NOW.

Create a goal, start making declarations and taking actions. Daily, weekly or monthly, compare your goal to your progress. Get complete and put the past in the past. Consider what lessons can inform your next steps and then start all over again.

If you play full out with this model and make it your own, you’re destined for delight. If you get lazy about your love life, it WILL lose its’ luster. The only way to lose this game is to not play.